I am unsure how i am going to word this post, some of it might come out like written word vomit and i will leave it to you to unscramble. I thought i would sit down and just do a little bit of reflection on whats happening in my life lately because the past week has been tough mentally and i have been trying to figure out why i have been struggling so bad. Well here it goes, It is currently 11.59PM on Thursday the 1st of June 2017 (Um, When, how, why?? it was 2016 yesterday!) and i have a million and one things going around my mind. For the last hour i have been laying in darkness trying to keep up with my thoughts but as soon as i make sense of one thought, it has passed and i am on to the next. This has been happening so much lately that it has tired me out and has caused me an increased amount of unnecessary stress. I tried to write a post on Sunday but felt nothing in ways of inspiration or motivation, i quite literally just felt nothing. With that being said if i ever feel like that i believe its better that i don’t post at all because what i write would not be heart felt and if i feel lack of inspiration how can i spread inspiration to anyone that reads, It would feel emotionless and pointless. So anyway, here i am, laying in the dark with my thoughts, and one of them made sense, Commitment…
I figured out the cause of all my stress and lack of inspiration, it’s commitment. Since March i have been high on life and in the best mental state i could possibly be in, Happy was my middle name and i wanted the whole world to know about it, thats why i started these blog posts, But with all highs come lows, Not that in anyway I’m feeling depressed I’m just feeling run down and full of worry. When i was at my peak of happiness i wanted to give myself to everyone (not in ways you may be thinking…) i wanted to help people when i could, and catch up with everybody and write my blog and get a new job and save money and focus on health and all of these things started building up, more ideas were rolling into my head and i felt the need to action all of it at once and now after 3 months I’m finally worn out and feel, well, BLEH. My emotions have been up and down, one minute I’m happy laughing at a text message from a friend the next I’m crying because i realised i have been home for an hour and my wifi hasn’t been connected, its the little things, alright guys. But ultimately this is all because I’m letting the stress of my commitments get the better of me. FYI i have no idea where this post is going so if you stick with me, good for you, if you don’t, well you never know what your missing out on, this could be a literary masterpiece. Anyway Basically within this month i have committed myself to my mum, my brother, 3 best friends, my blog, my new job, and my health. I mean not saying i should only commit myself to these people for one month but committing myself to 8 things all at once is so bloody overwhelming and from here on out i need to thoroughly think my plans through before i commit. My health has been a major one for me this month actually, for the last 4 weeks i have been struggling a lot with my stomach and could not figure out for the life of me what was going on, me being me kept putting the doctor off because god forbid there would actually be something wrong with me, after my body started to reject food on Saturday and getting only 4 hours sleep Saturday night due to terrible pain i finally decided a doctor was the right move and turns out i have stomach ulcers. Would you look at that, I’m not invincible after all. This obviously pushed me to actually start caring about my health (for anyone that knows me, you know this has never been at the top of my priority list) whats that saying? your body is a temple?
Anyway i do believe that things like this happen due to stress and to decrease my stress I’m going to evaluate commitments and schedule accordingly. If you are in a situation right now where you just feel overwhelmed at life i highly recommend taking a look at your schedule, what does it look like for the next week or month, what promises have you made lately, are you going to keep them? I can honestly say that i never looked at my day to day to do list as a cause of stress, i always just rolled with it and took my life as it comes but its only recently that it has got the better of me. My best friend said to me tonight “You don’t want to hang out with me anymore” i sat back and was like what do i even say to that, it stresses me out to think that my friends might think this but in reality i have so much going on that I’m trying to juggle and get around to seeing everyone at the same time, it all becomes too much doesn’t it? So in my late night reflection session, which I’m so happy you all get to join me on, i decided to take this moment for me, stop people pleasing and just think about me. While my friends or family may realise what plans i have over the next month they cannot see inside my mind and they don’t know what personal goals I’m trying to kick at the same time as attending all the other things i have committed to, I just have to bear this in mind when someone doesn’t understand why I’m bailing on hanging out or not replying to text messages, this time is just for me, i mean I’m the most important person in my life, aren’t i?
Does anyone else Journal or Reflect like this on whats going on in their life, if you don’t i highly recommend, I’m feeling so much more relaxed and centred again. Maybe once a month i might do a reflection post, I’ll just take an hour, probably late at night because i find thats when i feel most creative and my mind is soooo active the later it is, and ill just type away about whats been going on and how I’m feeling and what plans i have to achieve the goals I’ve set myself, it might actually keep me accountable for, i would like to say goals but i think life would be a better term, just keep me accountable for life. Anyway I came, I rambled, i Conquered. I can now move past my stress, enjoy my commitments, and reevaluate how many things i take on in the future, I can see myself coming back to this post in another 3 months time like OMG i am so stressed why have i overcommitted myself and then ill remember, Tameka, You got this, You are the Queen of Commitment.
Okay I’m taking my crazy ass to bed!!